last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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