I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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