Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
