I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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