Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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