Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
