I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
