Umm I'm too high to move.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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