youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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