You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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