I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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