I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
