I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
