Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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