i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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