Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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