My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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