Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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