If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
