Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
