I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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