I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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