I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
