my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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