Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
