Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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