the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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