So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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