he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
