We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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