There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
