I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
