my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Rumble strips road head = magical
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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