A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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