I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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