Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
