I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
