Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
