She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
