Where is the hickey?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
