I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
