I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
