Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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