Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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