grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Randomize
