I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
