I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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