He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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