Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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