I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
