Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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