i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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