I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
