MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
