I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
