oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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