I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
