how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
