there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
