You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
